How to Serve a Nice Holiday Roast
The first task is
to find the appropriate bird to roast. In looking through the newsgroups,
be careful to select the right kind.
Old birds, that
have been in the Usenet a long time, are wiry, tough, and stringy to chew
on. They have few comments that one can readily bite into. In addition,
they are regular game cocks that are very good at slashing and pecking
back. If one of these draws a little blood, all the others will gang up
on you and start pecking too. It's better to look further.
The very most tender
birds, while seemingly a good choice, can't stand the heat of much roasting.
A fork thrust here or there, and the whole meal dissolves within your mouth.
These are best cooked slowly, over a dry heat, and are no good for a Christmas
Avoid the coy-acting
birds. These have obvious statements that are so ripe and tasty that you
would just love to burst them open. However, they are no more than flame
bait. Once you grasp such a bird within your hands, you will find it both
willing and able to attack and cut your eyes out. It will quickly vivisect
you, and use your carcass as food to feed its young.
Watch the little
bantam cocks too. They run hither and yonder, pecking a bird here and receiving
a peck in return there, seemingly easy prey for the more powerful. But,
they are not stunned by the strongest blows, but simply give a few hard
pecks in return and rush off.
Never pick a bird
that is full of truisms or that shows any signs of dogmatism. Such a bird
will be slow to roast, tough to carve, and difficult for your guests to
a bird that is ripe and full and juicy. There should be a proper introduction
and a final conclusion. Each paragraph should be nicely balanced with a
clear purpose, good illustrative detail, and a final wrap up. The thoughts
should be fresh and original. A bird that averages a hundred words per
paragraph is sufficiently meaty. Be sure that it all fits nicely together
and doesn't suffer from any editing diseases.
Now that you have
selected your bird and have it lying on your kitchen table, begin by whacking
off its conclusion and throwing that garbage into the can. Whack off the
introduction at the same time but, before you throw it away, inspect it
carefully for opening opinions that were later mended, and save them to
help make a spicy sauce.
Now, take the body
of the bird, paragraph by paragraph, and burst each one open, after having
first cut off its topic sentence and conclusion (these go in the trash
as well). You might beat the paragraphs against some hard object such as
a rock or concrete wall outside, or you might use a hard object to pound
them with, such as a meat tenderizer or hammer. While you are pounding
the flesh, blood, sweat, and ink will flow out of the wounds. This is perfectly
normal and simply indicates that purpose and sense have been fully removed.
Rise and dry off the remaining shreds before proceeding.
With the shreds
of thought resting on the wood table in front of you, take a sharp butcher
knife and thoroughly chop the remainder. After you are finished, pick through
the pieces, looking for any that still make sense or seem reasonable and
throw them in the garbage also.
You are now prepared
to roast your bird. Prepare a heavy and spicy sauce to cook it in. Or better,
prepare a palette of savory sauces to please the palate of every gourmet.
Then take each piece one by one, dip it in the sauce, and thrust it into
the flames until it sputters and pops.
How much sauce
should you use? Here, opinion and tastes vary. Some like to flavor
every bird alike regardless of its origin. Others are of the opinion that
the amount, flavor, and spiciness of the sauce ought to be proportional
to the taste and texture of the remaining fragments of bird. Finally, the
most flamboyant, who often like to flambé their morsel, like to
be extravagantly outrageous, putting far more sauce on the bird that was
ever warranted. It's not uncommon to see one of these uncouths use a gallon
of gasoline to barbecue some tiny morsel.
As part of proper
instruction, it is always necessary to provide a specimen of good cookery.
As a result, I have selected a classic with which you are thoroughly familiar,
or at least should be, to demonstrate the method. You can decide for yourself
which kind of chef furnished the meal.
You will notice
that this example varies in some particulars from the directions. This
is simply a case of artistic judgment in light of the characteristics of
the original. Please note that any spelling or other errors are deliberate.
We begin thusly:
A. Lincoln <email@example.com> wrote:
> Fourscore and seven years ago
Hey, abe, where in hell did you learn to count? Even the romans with
their stupid numerals can count better than that, and they didnt know zero
from a goose egg.
> our forefathers
Hell, abe, what kind of home did you grow up in, anyway? Most of
us had only one father. I guess your old mother must have been pretty busy
if you had four, huh?
> conceived in Liberty
Well, now we know your mothers name too: Liberty Lincoln, sounds
nice. I think I saw her name and phone number in the local rest room.
> dedicated to the proposition
Its getting clearer every minute what your mother was like. I bet
she got propositioned a lot. ;-)
> that all men
Further proof, aint it?
> any nation so conceived
You just got one thing on your mind, dont you?
> can long endure
I'm not sure I can endure reading this filth of yours much longer
> as a final resting place
Dont you think its about time that you gave it a rest?
> we can not
> we can not
> we can not
You sure cant, can you?
> far above our poor power to add
I told you, you dont know a damn thing about numbers. I bet you cant
divide either. But your mother sure knows how to multiply! ;-)
> The world will little note nor long remember what we said here
How do you expect them to, when your not making any sense! Theres
certainly not a fool thing in what you say thats worth storing on my hard
> but it can never forget
I dont know about that; Ive already forgotten. And Im fixing to delete.
> unfinished work
I agree with you there. You ought to go back to school and learn
to write while your learning those numbers. I guess grade school would
be about right.
> have thus far so nobly advanced
First your whining, now your bragging; you make me sick.
> a new birth of freedom
Frankly, I think your mother ought to get her tubes tied, or are
you talking about some honey that your shacked up with now?
> shall not perish from the earth
Well, if reading your post didnt kill them, I dont know what would.