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HUMOR: How to Serve a Nice Holiday Roast
Those writing into the newsgroups sometimes find themselves in a war rather than a discussion. Send this URL to the person who is vivisecting your opinions; it might help.

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How to Serve a Nice Holiday Roast

Part I

The first task is to find the appropriate bird to roast. In looking through the newsgroups, be careful to select the right kind.

Old birds, that have been in the Usenet a long time, are wiry, tough, and stringy to chew on. They have few comments that one can readily bite into. In addition, they are regular game cocks that are very good at slashing and pecking back. If one of these draws a little blood, all the others will gang up on you and start pecking too. It's better to look further.

The very most tender birds, while seemingly a good choice, can't stand the heat of much roasting. A fork thrust here or there, and the whole meal dissolves within your mouth. These are best cooked slowly, over a dry heat, and are no good for a Christmas feast.

Avoid the coy-acting birds. These have obvious statements that are so ripe and tasty that you would just love to burst them open. However, they are no more than flame bait. Once you grasp such a bird within your hands, you will find it both willing and able to attack and cut your eyes out. It will quickly vivisect you, and use your carcass as food to feed its young.

Watch the little bantam cocks too. They run hither and yonder, pecking a bird here and receiving a peck in return there, seemingly easy prey for the more powerful. But, they are not stunned by the strongest blows, but simply give a few hard pecks in return and rush off.

Never pick a bird that is full of truisms or that shows any signs of dogmatism. Such a bird will be slow to roast, tough to carve, and difficult for your guests to digest.

Instead, select a bird that is ripe and full and juicy. There should be a proper introduction and a final conclusion. Each paragraph should be nicely balanced with a clear purpose, good illustrative detail, and a final wrap up. The thoughts should be fresh and original. A bird that averages a hundred words per paragraph is sufficiently meaty. Be sure that it all fits nicely together and doesn't suffer from any editing diseases.

Part II

Now that you have selected your bird and have it lying on your kitchen table, begin by whacking off its conclusion and throwing that garbage into the can. Whack off the introduction at the same time but, before you throw it away, inspect it carefully for opening opinions that were later mended, and save them to help make a spicy sauce.

Now, take the body of the bird, paragraph by paragraph, and burst each one open, after having first cut off its topic sentence and conclusion (these go in the trash as well). You might beat the paragraphs against some hard object such as a rock or concrete wall outside, or you might use a hard object to pound them with, such as a meat tenderizer or hammer. While you are pounding the flesh, blood, sweat, and ink will flow out of the wounds. This is perfectly normal and simply indicates that purpose and sense have been fully removed. Rise and dry off the remaining shreds before proceeding.

With the shreds of thought resting on the wood table in front of you, take a sharp butcher knife and thoroughly chop the remainder. After you are finished, pick through the pieces, looking for any that still make sense or seem reasonable and throw them in the garbage also.

Part III

You are now prepared to roast your bird. Prepare a heavy and spicy sauce to cook it in. Or better, prepare a palette of savory sauces to please the palate of every gourmet. Then take each piece one by one, dip it in the sauce, and thrust it into the flames until it sputters and pops.

How much sauce should you use?  Here, opinion and tastes vary. Some like to flavor every bird alike regardless of its origin. Others are of the opinion that the amount, flavor, and spiciness of the sauce ought to be proportional to the taste and texture of the remaining fragments of bird. Finally, the most flamboyant, who often like to flambé their morsel, like to be extravagantly outrageous, putting far more sauce on the bird that was ever warranted. It's not uncommon to see one of these uncouths use a gallon of gasoline to barbecue some tiny morsel.

Part IV

As part of proper instruction, it is always necessary to provide a specimen of good cookery. As a result, I have selected a classic with which you are thoroughly familiar, or at least should be, to demonstrate the method. You can decide for yourself which kind of chef furnished the meal.

You will notice that this example varies in some particulars from the directions. This is simply a case of artistic judgment in light of the characteristics of the original. Please note that any spelling or other errors are deliberate.

We begin thusly: 

A. Lincoln <railsplitter@whitehouse.civilwar> wrote:

> Fourscore and seven years ago

Hey, abe, where in hell did you learn to count? Even the romans with their stupid numerals can count better than that, and they didnt know zero from a goose egg.

> our forefathers

Hell, abe, what kind of home did you grow up in, anyway? Most of us had only one father. I guess your old mother must have been pretty busy if you had four, huh?

> conceived in Liberty

Well, now we know your mothers name too: Liberty Lincoln, sounds nice. I think I saw her name and phone number in the local rest room.

> dedicated to the proposition

Its getting clearer every minute what your mother was like. I bet she got propositioned a lot. ;-)

> that all men

Further proof, aint it?

> any nation so conceived

You just got one thing on your mind, dont you?

> can long endure

I'm not sure I can endure reading this filth of yours much longer myself.

> as a final resting place

Dont you think its about time that you gave it a rest?

> we can not
> we can not
> we can not

You sure cant, can you?

> far above our poor power to add

I told you, you dont know a damn thing about numbers. I bet you cant divide either. But your mother sure knows how to multiply! ;-)

> The world will little note nor long remember what we said here

How do you expect them to, when your not making any sense! Theres certainly not a fool thing in what you say thats worth storing on my hard drive.

> but it can never forget

I dont know about that; Ive already forgotten. And Im fixing to delete.

> unfinished work

I agree with you there. You ought to go back to school and learn to write while your learning those numbers. I guess grade school would be about right.

> have thus far so nobly advanced

First your whining, now your bragging; you make me sick.

> a new birth of freedom

Frankly, I think your mother ought to get her tubes tied, or are you talking about some honey that your shacked up with now?

> shall not perish from the earth

Well, if reading your post didnt kill them, I dont know what would.


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