[Ken Kifer's Bike Pages]
DIRECTORY: Cycling Humor and Tales
It's best for cyclists to laugh and joke at the bizarre nature of our crazy, unsane human world as we bicycle along and to face the ridiculous with a smile and a sense of humor.

There will be no list of cycling questions in the humor directory, as the bicycling topics will all be crazy, insane, unorganized, bizarre, odd, funny, ridiculous, and inane.


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Cycling Humor and Tales

Considering what a crazy, illogical, mixed-up world we live in, it's a good trait to have a well-developed sense of humor. For instance, if you're riding your bicycle peacefully along and someone yells, "Get on the %$#@! sidewalk," it's much better to laugh it off than to 1) worry about it, 2) attack his car with your air pump, 3) wait for him to get out of the car and then run him down on the sidewalk, 4) hijack an airplane to Cuba or Holland (where everyone supposedly rides bicycles, but where you'll actually get the same crude remark, this time in Spanish or Dutch), 5) go on a hunger strike in which you refuse to eat until every automobile is on the sidewalk, 6) make a secret agreement with exterrestials to body-swap famous cyclists for powerful political leaders, or 7) sell your soul to the devil for a few years of cycling peace, which will result in your spending eternity cycling in a fake, underworld New York City with real NYC taxi drivers (devils can't even come close).

If we are really truthful about the matter, life is a joke. I think it's essential that people find serious answers to our endless problems, but I think it's even more essential that we retain a sense of humor about it. Often humor reveals more truth than careful analysis; to me the most penetrating analysis of the cold war was Dr. Strangelove. Mark Twain, in discussing his forgotten fellow humorists, said that his humor lasted where theirs did not because he always told the truth. Henry Thoreau, my other favorite humorist, is never recognized for his humor because he 1) always told the truth and 2) engaged in insider humor. I'm very much afraid that I'm guilty of the second fault here. Cyclists like me are going to have a lot of fun; other kinds of cyclists and non-cyclists are going to be scratching their heads.

I've found it necessary to make a distinction between humor and tales for two reasons: 1) some of the tales are amusing but not funny and 2) my bottom bar was getting too long (you can decide which was the real reason).

Cycling Humor: Discussion, Invention, and History

Why Do Tires Lose Pressure?  Did you ever notice that tires get flatter quicker when the bike is not being used? A panel of experts from wreck bikes determines the cause of this vexing problem.

Some Useful Cycling Devices  You thought that cycling "computers" were high-tech; look at these accessories.

Additional Cycling Devices  Inventions to solve the problems of 1) aggressive motorists, 2) climbing hills, and 3) touring and camping.

Zen and the Art of Fixing a Flat Tire  The unexpected resolution of another vexing problem that has plagued newbie cyclists.

How to Camp Anywhere  The vexing problem of finding a camping site in a hostile world is resolved in a simple and effective fashion.

Great Moments in Cycling History  Cycling history that I guarantee you never heard anywhere else.

How to Serve a Nice Holiday Roast  The holiday season is a nice opportunity to flame and roast some newbie to the newsgroups.

Witty Replies  It pays to have a sense of humor when traveling by bike.

A Simple Question for a Cycling Newgroup to Answer  The newsgroups and email discussion lists are great places to find information that you can't get elsewhere, but sometimes you get a lot more information than what you expected.

The Resourceful Camper Contest  The results of a contest to find the most resourceful bicycle campers, the ones who can camp almost anywhere.

Important Safety Instructions!  If you happen to read the important safety instructions provided with your new purchase, you might notice that they are designed to protect the manufacturer from liability and not to help you.

How to Detail a Classic Bike  Your flashy new bike failed to attract the attention you thought it deserved. How you went wrong, and how to convert it into a bike that everyone will admire and envy.

Studies of Modes of Transportation in Tarzan Land  Endless confusion about the safest method of travel; the experts do not agree.

Why Bank Robbers Should Use Bicycles  We're pretty poor bicycling advocates if we want only the good guys to use bicycles. It seems to me that the bad guys should be able to profit from the superior abilities of a bike too.

Cycling Tales: Stories You Never Heard Before

Movie Review: Beneath the Valley of the Planet of the Bicycles  This old movie is also a commentary on the future of our planet. Also in German (auf deutsch): Der Planet der Fahrräder.

Cycling Fairy Tales  The stories of Red Mountain Biker, Goldilocks, and the Ugly Bicycle.

I Never Shift Twice  The adventures of agent 00, Joe Bike, as he battles SMUSH (SUV Motorists for Universal Super Highways) and WAMM (Women Against Macho Men). NOW FINISHED

The Bicycle Dectective  A good detective figures out the details of a bicycle theft in a moment and solves the crime in an hour.

Murder She Wrought  Detective Rousseau uses his sleuthing skills to capture a bicycling serial murderer, a woman who murders her victims and then entraps their next of kin.

Sidewalked on the Green Planet  Peegee Little visits a world in which the users of motors vehicles are forced to use the sidewalks and bicycles have the right of way.

The Paradigm Shifter  Remember those magic days when you were young and your imagination was free? Here the boyhood invention happens to work, transforming the bike into a dream, but the dream has its twists.

The Interstate Designed Like a Bikeway  What would interstate highways be like if they were designed using the same criteria as bikeways? One state has made this amazing leap forward.

The Mountain Bike Trip   A group of strangers begin a week-long mountain bike camping trip through desert, not recognizing that they are being stalked by a killer.


Some Subtle Clues That Indicate a True Cyclist®  Spotting a cyclist in today's crowd is not as difficult as it may first appear.


Taming the Bicycle  by Mark Twain. Riding a bike can get onery at times.

Biking Asia with Mr. Pumpy! What's going down?  Along with some serious travel advice, includes Nostradamus' prediction of disaster for Felix but not for Mr. Pumpy, Felix's denounciation of his friends and family after his capture in Tehran, the rewards of cycling, Mr. Pumpy's political platform and joint candidacy with Ralph Nader in 2004, Mr. Pumpy saving Lance Armstrong in the TdF, Mr. Pumpy avoiding a paternity suit, and Mr. Pumpy in deep trouble over using the terms "exotic" and "oriental."

Mountain Bike Militia Movement  Everyone knows that mountain bikers are mean, nasty people. Here's the proof.

Transcon-holics Anonymous  Rich Testardi, Jack Dingler, and I bemoan our fate for being healthy and try to hide among the sedentary.

Transportation Humor by Todd Litman and others  Bridge lions (requires the free Adobe Acrobat Reader), the seven sins of cycling, bicycling on Mars, and "Those Kinky Autophiles."

Bicycle Humor by Sheldon Brown and others  Includes a number of wacky devices and the following:

Evil Bicycles  Sinister corporations are trying to undermine the character of the Youth of America by producing bicycles which glorify Evil!

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